Keep a Plant Alive

by Frederick Egan Castleberry

When I was 9 years old my mother optimistically adopted a young, delicate weeping fig for our quaint living room. It eventually became my job to keep it alive. No matter how often I watered, it sat by the window like a sullen Charlie Brown. Despite its popularity as a houseplant, it turns out it’s actually a horrible choice. Weeping figs are raised in full Florida sunlight. Indoors, kept out of direct sunlight, it doesn’t stand a chance. I managed to not kill it.

At 16, my fingers turned a faint greenish hue and I found myself begging for a job at the local greenhouse that summer. They didn’t hire me. Despite having kept that sensitive weeping fig alive for the better part of a decade, they were not convinced of my natural ability. Two years later I left for college and hung up my latent watering can.

It wasn’t until I moved to New York at 31 that my appetite for greenery returned with a vengeance. The callosity of the “concrete jungle” is real people and I was feeling half-human. Seventeen trips to the flower district later, my apartment was baptized in a sea of succulents, air plants, ferns, cacti, snake plants, and moldy Italian terra-cotta pots. Choose a plant that speaks to you. I’m particularly fond of Old Man Cactus. He boasts a striking shaggy coat of long, white unkempt hair. We made eyes at each other in a doddering flower shop on West 28th Street. I saw a little piece of me in him. Prickly, offbeat, and stand-offish, yet tempered with a charming exterior. He basically asks, "How much pain are you willing to endure to get close to me?” Or maybe it’s because I inherently dress like an old man most days. I call this one Cal.

While each houseplant has unique needs and care requirements, a little common knowledge will go a long way. Give it good light. Water it regularly. Decorate with it freely. Enjoy it candidly. And don't forget to talk to it. It’s scientifically proven to increase biomass. And it doesn’t have to be a Joel Osteen prosperity sermon. You can bitch about your terrible day or your ex and it’s all the same to them. Plants just want conversation. They’ll even give you oxygen for it. Think of a plant as relationship training wheels. If you can keep a houseplant alive, you can probably keep a relationship alive.